We'd be sharing every breathe and every sigh.
I'd be brushing my lips against your chest,
Running my fingers through your hair til you fall asleep.
We'd show the world what "love" is without even having to say a word.
I'd always be high and flying on fumes of our passion,
Forever lost in your eyes.
Your touch speaks of a great wonder that I will never be able to describe.
We'd be forever awed in our sacred little carefree world.

In a perfect world..
I'd be home waiting for you.

This one part of me never really feels real.
Am I real?
I starting beleive my ribcage is empty.
Either that or I'm just really good at jixing it.

This is not why I'm here.
Tell me where to stand and I promise to stay put.
For as long as I can, like I promised.

I'm miserable.
I want to fight it so bad.
It's consuming me as if nothing else matters.
Til when can I lie for the moment

[Did I say lie?  I meant live.]

Hearts pounding.  
Choking on every breathe I try to take. 
Seeing only you in my melted brain.
I feel it coming again.

Don't look for me when I run.
I always come running back anyway.

Today:  "She's hot"
Tomorrow: "She's actually very sweet and smart"
1 week: " I love her!"
1 month: "I'm going to marry her"
6 months: "She hurt me real bad"
7 months: "I hate her"
1 year: "She was just another chapter in my life"
2 years: "It was really nothing"
5 years: "Who?"

Ouch.

Maybe we like the pain.
Maybe we're weird that way.
Because without it...
I don't know?..

Maybe we just don't feel real.
-From Dyan

I'm bearing this unidentified distress.  Too complicated that it makes my brain and heart exude blood.  It's so depressing that my optimism can't persuade my mind to think otherwise.  It just mother fucking hurts!  I can't even conceal the defect of my smile.  My head hurts.

Everything has changed. Past few years has gone by like swift summer breeze that has left me desiring for more.  I miss the days when I felt whole and existing.  I find myself looking at old photographs and spending countless hours reminscing what has been.  It all happened so fast.  I miss who were where.

I hate to say it but I'm not happy where I am. I've always felt that I never did belong, always anticipating something better.  I failed to realize I was where I belonged.  Now I feel like I'm an alien of some sort looking for non existent things.  Looking to escape this so-called reality.

Going back won't feel the same.  I can't go back to try and get away for this illusion resides in my head.  This place I live is not my home.  I'd like to think I'm just getting old but heck I'm only 21... Ironic, the older I get the more bewildered I am.

Words.  It scours and devours your insides at the same time it revives your blood.  I believe in you so much that I could die for the words that you say.  So say it again, this time say it like you mean it.  I am your desperate believer.  I promise not to look in your eyes.

Never was too good at holding back.  So much to give yet no one's willing or capable of taking.  I'm sorry.  Letting go and running away is my resort.  I'm such a loser.

I will forever hold my piece.

During last break today, a fairly tall white guy came up to me.  He looks as if he's in his mid 30s.  He was dressed as if he was an average Juan Dela Cruz instead of an average Joe which for me, or should I say everyone else around here, is very unusual.  A little heavy in the mid part.  And if you look closer you'd know that he was was good looking in his younger days.  I knew this guy because fellow trainers have told me of his arrogance in class.  I however, never had the chance to train him in one of the too many training he had to go through with our company.

He saw the Dell manual I was holding and thought I was in the same department where he was working in and asked what batch I belonged to.  He was preety surprised when I told him I was to start training a new batch for his account. Then he started talking.  He first talked about how he got transferred to the PH site  (usually the white guys that work in this site would be big ass boss') then started talking about his wife beating him, showed wounds as proof.  For crying out loud he had a broken nose!

In that barely 15 minute break.  I learned most everything.  It was the usual love story.  They were so inlove and got married here which was why it was so hard for him to get his wife to live in the US.  His wife has 3 kids, the 4th born was his, a baby who is now 2 year of age.  When he was working in Vegas (same company different branch) he used to send $500 every two weeks.  Makes me wonder how much he was actually earning.  I guess they couldn't stand living without each other by their sides so he decided to be transferred here where he earns $320 every month.  It's only been 4 months since he decided to live and work here.  He said that he is now discovering qualities of his wife he never imagined she would have.  Apparently they fight all the time because of finances.  Did I mention that he is 2 months delayed in paying his rent?

I introduced myself right before he left.  He has touched something in me.  I'll never look at him the same way again. 

I haven't really gathered my thoughts about it yet.  But I can say that love trully is amazing even though most of the time is hurts 10 folds as bad. 

Life and it's irony..

I'm so grateful I have friends wh o really cares for me even if they do tend to nag and annoy the living hell out of me.  They trully love me inspite all my imperfections.

I'm glad I'm given a good shot on this rollercoaster ride we call "life".  I believe I've done good.  Good enough to make my mother proudly say that I've gone far and will go even further.

I'm proud of my disoriented family.  They inspire me to do good. 

I'd like to believe I'm a good person.  I'm sure you'd disagree.

Most people think they know me just because I'm transparent. 

I'm one big f*ck up.
I have no excuses.
And for now, sorry is all I can say.
I know you're tired of hearing it.
Heck, I'm tired of saying it.

Right now, I have my hands to my head but I DO love all of you.

Ok, I take back me being "saner".

I was going over my two years or more worth of drama (my blog).  I came to realize most of it was about you.  I guess I really did love you as much as everyone said I did and didn't even realize it.  Well, either that or I got too much emo music into my system during those "daze". Hell, I was REALLY pathetic.

I'm not happy seeing you breakdown like a sissy girl.  It pinches me still coz I care about you as a person and coz I know I am a big part of your agony.  I'm really sorry.  Sorry too that I can't think of anything else to say but "sorry".  I hope you'd be able to get up on your feet soon, I know you can.  It has been a long time.

But yes, I have completely moved on.  I don't know if that's a good thing for you.  It is for me.  One heavy bag off my load of shit.  I still have a lot but I'll be just fine.  What I feel for you is what I would feel for a friend or an acquaintance.

I'm ok, not coz of anyone else but coz I chose to be.  I still listen to our songs coz I like them.  I still remember you when I do so.  I still smile when I remember you.  It's similar feeling when a person remembers any good memory.  I'm happy for me that the hate I once had is now completely gone.  I really want to thank you so much for everything.  You played a wonderful role in my life.  I won't forget, not never, don't worry.

Come to think of it, I haven't changed.  Not one bit.  I'm still the same ol' me.  I guess, I just.. *shrugs* I don't know.. got saner?

For one, I am a person who is pretty much contented with what I have.  Believe me, I'm easy to please though it don't look like it.  Gimme a cig (yes, I know I should quit smoking), coffee or even cheap beer and I'll let you see the optimistic side of me, perhaps make you an optimist yourself.  So long as I didn't just have the worse day of my life.

I'm mostly thankful and happy with whatever I have.  It's easy for me to find reasons to smile.  Sure, I notice everything and tend to complain. Say I get bad service, or well, really just about anything wrong with something.  I see it!  I have a keen eye for imperfection.  I'll criticize and complain to myself but that goes no further.  I never judge. I guess I go by the saying that every cloud has a silver lining.

But that's not my point, if I even have one to make.

It's funny how one day you say "Nothing gets better than this", next thing you know, a load full of crap that you don't know how to deal with is served on your plate. Bon a petit?

If someone were to ask me "How's life?" the usual Nikkey would go "Life is good".  I think I'm changing to a person who'd reply with a "Could be better".

So a girl is being stalked by this guy. She tries to be nice and reason with him..

Stalker: Why don't you like me?
Girl: Why should I?
Stalker: Coz I like you!

Stalker: Give me a chance to prove how special you are to me.
Girl: Don't you have a girlfriend?
Stalker: SO?!?!

Girl: Ok, so you want us to start off as me being your mistress?
Stalker: Atleast it's a START!

He can be part of The Simpsons.  If only he was trying to be funny.  I say..  This guy is either whacked or just plain STUPID!

"You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips- you-apart pain. I hate love.”
-Neil Gaiman

Cheesy.. I love it.

There are times I get fed up and bored of my own drama it makes me want to puke. Like everyone else, I get tired too. Like you, I need space too. Like you I sometimes prefer having only myself to talk to. Just leave me alone.

"It's not you, it's me" -a very old and abused line but this applies to be true in my case.

Don't ask me of my reasons, I need this time to find them.
Don't ask me how long, for til now no one has a cure for insanity.
Don't pressure me, the more I will walk away.

For once, understand and let me be.

The battle for solitude is never ending. I question now if it still exists in me. I can no longer find peace within myself. I've changed. I've morphed from a person who sees and inspires be auty in everyone to a perfectionist who finds every fault in every single angle. I think this is why I am currently unhappy. I have become selfish and demanding because I feel that I should be the one who needs to be pleased. I think so highly of myself now, nothing is ever good enough. I feel I need no one but myself to make me happy. I feel I've become ultimately numb, not a soul can cause me pain. That when I say "I don't care" it now applies to be true about everything in my life.

It's all a lie! for I long for you. I hurt too much for you. The more I persuade and push my mind to be shallow, the more I understand I am not, the more I become sensitive to you. I need help. I do not want to put myself in yet another dilemma.

I just want to be.

I really miss my watch.

Currently, there are way too many thoughts stcuk in my head all waiting to be screamed out my mouth that I do not know what to say even when someone is waiting eagerly  to listen..

I find this song inspirational in my situation. So let Chris Cornell speak in my behalf.

"Fell on black days"

Whatsoever I've feared has come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off became my life
Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded and I'm doing time
Cause I fell on black days

Whomsoever I've cured I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say but I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking when I get it right
Cause I fell on black days
How would I know that this could be my fate

So what you wanted to see good has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours has made it mine
So don't you lock up something that you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
Not tying...no not tying

I sure don't mind a change
But I fell on black days
How would I know that this could be my fate

"Quitters never win" so f*cking what?!
I give up.

Stop it please. I beg you.
I can't take anymore.

I am not a slut or a whore. Nothing I can do, I was born with big boobs that gives me a bitchy facade or a slutty look.

I am not man hungry. Like anyone else I'm only looking for that one true thing. It's not my fault these assholes are after me all the time, and yes, I am doing something about it.

I am not after a greencard! Please! I lead a good life and have a good future that I can achieve on my own.

I am not a bad person, infact I think I'm too nice.

So stop, please.

I've worked so hard to get where I am after all the shit I've been through. No one has the right to judge me.

DAMNED if you do, DAMNED if you don't...

TANGINA!